Why It's a Red Flag If Your Partner Behaves Badly with Waiters
Treating Waiters as "Human" Isn't Enough
We've all heard the dating advice: Watch how your partner treats the waiter—it shows you who they really are.
It’s repeated everywhere, from Reddit threads to therapist offices. And while most people agree, they often stop at the surface explanation: basic decency. Don’t treat service workers like subordinates.
But that misses the bigger picture.
Rudeness in low-stakes situations doesn’t just make someone unpleasant. It reveals how they handle power, how they navigate conflict, and whether they have the capacity for empathy when it doesn’t serve them directly.
Consider this: In a study on dating red flags, being rude to service workers ranked high. Experts say it’s less about manners and more about how people act when they feel superior—or when no one is watching.
This post breaks down what’s really going on beneath the surface. Using insights from psychology and real-world behavior, we’ll look at why this isn’t just a minor annoyance—it’s a sign of deeper traits that could derail your relationship later.
Because when you’re investing in a long-term partner, you’re not just choosing who’s nice at dinner. You’re choosing who they are when things go wrong.
The Escalation Model of Resolving Conflicts
To understand why rude behavior toward a waiter matters, let’s borrow a concept from conflict psychology: the escalation model.
This isn’t just theory for diplomats. It shows up in everyday life too.
Friedrich Glasl’s Nine-Stage Model outlines how conflict escalates—from calm debate, to emotional tension, to outright destruction. Our minds have evolved to navigate conflict in efficient steps, starting with low-intensity responses and escalating only when necessary.
At a restaurant, if your food is late, the expected response is something small—like a polite check-in. Not barking, sighing, or passive-aggressive comments.
Why does this matter in dating?
Because it shows you how someone handles power when there’s no real threat. If they escalate quickly in low-stakes interactions, that behavior won’t stay limited to restaurants. It spills into relationships too.
Conflict researchers consistently show that poor escalation control erodes trust and harms long-term dynamics. The brain is wired to conserve energy by avoiding unnecessary drama. So when someone bypasses that, it raises a question: Why are they skipping straight to force?
This isn’t about being picky—it’s about predicting behavior patterns.
Your Partner Doesn't Mind Using Heavy Force Against People
At its core, the brain is built to conserve energy and minimize threats.
So when your partner snaps at someone who can’t push back, like a waiter, they’re showing you more than a bad mood. They’re showing you how they use power.
That’s the issue.
They’re okay going full-force on someone they see as beneath them. Not because the situation demands it—but because they can.
And if they do that in public, it’s fair to ask: What happens when they get frustrated with you, behind closed doors?
Psych studies show that low empathy toward people in "less powerful" roles often bleeds into personal relationships. The so-called “Waiter Rule” exists for a reason—it’s one of the fastest ways to see someone's real character. And in dating research, this kind of behavior is often tied to controlling or even abusive dynamics.
It also mirrors power dynamics we see in work settings. People who mistreat subordinates tend to bring that same behavior home.
Even analogies like mistreating animals follow a similar pattern—exerting force against those who can’t retaliate.
And while that may sound intense, it’s a useful comparison. When empathy drops, relationships suffer.
Research on customer interactions backs this up—people who lack empathy create friction. That’s true in retail, and it’s true in romance too.
Think long-term. You’re building a life with someone for shared meaning, not just shared space. But if their conflict style skips all the healthy steps and jumps to dominance, that return on investment isn’t coming.
Surveys on dating red flags back this up. Rudeness toward others consistently ranks high, with some rating its severity at 3.74 out of 5.
And it’s not just a gender-neutral thing. Women often report higher sensitivity to this behavior, and in collectivist cultures, the offense lands even harder.
Not everyone who’s rude ends up abusive. But that pattern—using more force than necessary—slowly drains trust and respect.
These aren't quirks. They're clues.
Conclusion
No one’s perfect. Even a good partner might snap during a crisis, when stress is maxed out and niceties fall away.
But you’re not looking for isolated incidents—you’re watching for patterns.
Does this keep happening in low-stakes scenarios? Does it show up with other people too, like retail staff or strangers? That’s what matters.
Culture and neurodivergence also play a role. So approach it with nuance. If it concerns you, talk about it. Or bring it up in therapy.
But don’t ignore it.
If your partner skips empathy and jumps to dominance, that’s not a quirk—it’s a warning.
The people who treat others with decency—even when they don’t have to—are the ones most likely to treat you with care when it counts.
Choose that.