Let’s Explore the Fundamental Problem Behind Our Unhappiness
Goals of Society and Individual Are in Conflict
Imagine this: you’re sipping coffee with a coworker when they casually mention their salary—significantly higher than yours for the same job. A wave of envy washes over you, but you force a smile, nodding along to keep things smooth. It’s not just an awkward moment—it’s a snapshot of a deeper tension that shows up all the time.
Society pushes us to prioritize fairness and cooperation. Meanwhile, our instincts tell us to chase security, recognition, and status. These goals don’t just differ—they pull in opposite directions. That friction might be one of the biggest reasons we’re miserable.
Let’s unpack this.
Introduction
You’ve felt it. The twinge when a friend lands the perfect job, or when Instagram shows you someone else’s perfect life. We’re told to root for others, to care about equality and shared success. But inside? We want to win. We want to feel like we’re doing better than average. That conflict isn’t new—but it’s way more obvious now.
Back in the day, you didn’t know what your neighbor earned or how their trip to Italy went. Now you see everything. Promotions, vacations, new cars—shared 24/7. That flood of comparison doesn’t just mess with your mood. It shakes the foundation of social cohesion. The real problem isn’t envy. It’s that the goals of society and the goals of individuals are often impossible to reconcile.
Understanding Social Goals
The goal of society is simple: hold it all together. Keep the group stable. Values like cooperation, fairness, and mutual respect help make that happen. If people feel they’re on a similar footing, they’re more likely to trust each other and less likely to burn it all down.
This was easier when information was limited. A hundred years ago, you didn’t know if your cousin got a raise or if your coworker negotiated better benefits. That opacity created a useful illusion of equality. Today, the curtain’s wide open.
Take salary transparency. It’s meant to promote fairness. But in practice, it often backfires. Two coworkers doing the same job might earn different pay. The reasons might be valid—experience, negotiation, rare skills—but the moment the numbers come out, resentment kicks in. What was designed to reduce tension ends up inflaming it. Social harmony gets harder to maintain the more we see the details.
Understanding Individual Goals
Now let’s flip it.
On an individual level, we’re wired to get ahead. We want to feel safe, respected, and ideally, a little superior. It’s not about greed—it’s about survival.
This shows up everywhere. We post wins, not losses. We showcase our best selves. At work, we angle for credit. Not because we’re villains, but because it helps us stand out. And standing out often means stability, leverage, or freedom.
But here’s the issue: Individual success depends on standing apart. Social harmony depends on similarity—or the appearance of it. Every personal gain can feel like a loss to someone else. That’s the tension. And we’re living in it constantly, often without realizing.
The Conflict Between Social and Individual Goals
Now we’ve got a real clash. Society wants cohesion. Individuals want advantage.
That collision creates what I call the “lawless zone”—a space where people say the right things, play by the rules in public, but privately chase their own goals in ways that feel a little off. It’s not illegal. Just uncomfortable.
You’ve seen it. Maybe done it. Congratulating a coworker through gritted teeth. Posting a big win online wrapped in faux gratitude. These aren’t crimes. They’re signals we send to balance our desire to belong with our need to shine.
Social media turns this tension into a constant buzz. Your friend’s new house. Your coworker’s bonus. Your sibling’s picture-perfect life. It’s all right there, all the time. The pressure builds. You’re expected to be generous, humble, and supportive—while also killing it quietly. It’s not sustainable. Telling people to “just stop comparing” misses the point. The comparison isn’t the disease. It’s the symptom.
How to Keep Social Harmony While Keeping Everyone Happy
You can’t erase the tension between society and the self. But you can make it easier to live with. Here’s how:
Fairness Beats Equality: People don’t mind differences if they understand them. Clear promotion paths, transparent evaluation systems—these make disparity feel less personal and more logical.
Talk About It: Give people safe ways to voice ambition or frustration. Open communication can diffuse resentment before it turns toxic.
Tie Wins to the Group: If your bonus funds a team dinner, your success feels less like someone else’s loss. That’s a win you don’t have to apologize for.
Be Smart About Transparency: Too much info breeds resentment. Offer just enough to build trust, not stir up jealousy. Like ranges instead of exact numbers.
These aren’t silver bullets. But they help. They make space for ambition without wrecking trust.
Conclusion
The tug-of-war between society and the self is built into how we live. Society wants us to blend in. We want to stand out. That friction hums in the background of everything—our jobs, our timelines, our friendships.
It’s not going away. But seeing it clearly helps.
You live in that “lawless zone” every day—cheering on your peers while plotting your next move. That’s not fake. It’s just real life. Next time you feel that mix of pride and discomfort—say, when your project lands but your friend looks a little deflated—pause.
Ask yourself: which game am I playing right now?
And is it the one I want to win?