How to Accept Feedback Without Being Defensive

Focus on Getting Things Done Rather Than Being Right

Feedback is essential for growth, but accepting it—especially when it’s critical—can feel like a gut punch.

In a widely shared post on X, organizational psychologist Adam Grant called the ability to receive "tough love" the most underrated career skill. He writes, "Acquiring knowledge is easy. Obtaining constructive criticism is hard. If you can’t handle the truth, people stop telling you the truth. The people who grow the most are the ones who take feedback the best."

He’s right that people who can take criticism grow faster. But the framing—“handle the truth”—misses something deeper. It glosses over the emotional and psychological reactions that make feedback hard to hear in the first place.

It’s not just about being able to take a hit. It’s about why those hits feel threatening—and how we can reframe the conversation so feedback becomes useful, not personal.

In this piece, I’ll unpack why feedback often fails, how the language of “truth” makes things worse, and what actually helps: focusing on collaboration and progress instead of who’s right.

The Problem with Fighting Over the "Truth"

Feedback usually arrives with an implicit message: something needs to change. That makes people defensive—because being told you're wrong never feels good.

To soften the blow, companies try to create “open cultures” where feedback is normalized. But these efforts often ignore how human psychology actually works.

We’re wired to fear being wrong. That fear used to have life-or-death consequences. Today, it’s more about status or job security—but it feels just as urgent. When layoffs loom or deadlines pile up, nobody wants to be seen as the weakest link.

So instead of embracing feedback, people shut down. Not because they’re immature or resistant—but because their instincts are telling them to protect themselves.

Then there’s the language we use. Terms like “unpleasant truths” vs. “comforting lies” get thrown around, often with the assumption that the speaker knows the objective truth.

But what one person calls “truth,” another sees as judgment.

Take a manager who says, “You’re not collaborative enough.” They might mean it as constructive feedback. But if the employee has been working late to meet deadlines, it might feel tone-deaf or unfair.

Suddenly, it’s not feedback. It’s a fight about who’s right.

That dynamic doesn’t make people more open. It makes them dig in.

Focus on Finding Common Ground

So how do we change that dynamic?

We stop treating feedback like a truth-telling mission. And we start treating it like a shared effort to improve the work.

It’s a small but powerful shift—from “who’s right” to “what works.”

Picture a team debating a marketing strategy. A leader says, “I don’t think this approach will resonate.” In the traditional framing, that sounds like a veto. The teammate defends their idea. The leader pushes back. Nobody wins.

But imagine if the leader instead said: “How does this align with our goal of boosting engagement? What parts of your idea might move us closer?”

That reframing changes everything. It’s no longer about who had the better idea. It’s about how the team can succeed.

This approach calms the survival instinct that makes feedback feel like a threat. When the stakes shift from status to progress, people relax. They engage. They problem-solve.

It’s not about fixing personality flaws. It’s about fixing how we frame the conversation.

And when you do that, two good things happen.

First, people get less defensive. There’s nothing to protect when no one’s attacking.

Second, the team actually gets better work done. Instead of arguing over who’s right, they focus on what works.

That’s how you build a culture where feedback helps—not hurts.

Conclusion

Feedback doesn’t need to be a showdown over who’s right.

Adam Grant is right that taking criticism helps you grow. But there’s more to it than just “handling the truth.”

When feedback feels like a threat, most people shut down. The key is to shift the conversation—from judgment to collaboration.

Focus on the work. Focus on the goal. And treat feedback as a tool to get there together.

Next time someone gives you feedback, don’t brace for impact. Ask: “How can we use this to make the work better?”

That one question can change how you grow, how your team functions, and how your career unfolds.

Let’s stop debating “the truth.” Let’s just get better—together.